My_365 Project {January}...

At the beginning of the year I jumped in on the "My_365 Project" on Instagram.  My first thought was "Jenna, what are you thinking?  You know you can't do this.  Should you really take this on?"  

Then I spoke to myself from a new place (I've discovered recently) and thought, "So what if you miss a day, or your pictures just aren't as good as some of the others.  You'll still take more pictures and exercise more creativity than if you resign to the fear of failure."

You see, I'm sick of being afraid to fail.  Over the last year I started pursuing creativity more intently.   My husband has encouraged me to pursue photography more, and I've had a lot of excuses as to why I shouldn't.  Through a few good books and conversations with "creative" friends I came across a few nuggets of wisdom on this subject of creativity and failure.  Here are a few:

 

"There is no innovation and creativity 

without failure.  Period."
 ~Brene Brown

"An essential aspect of creativity is 

not being afraid to fail." 

 ~Edwin Land

I've realized over the years my soul responds when I find ways to be creative.  Madeleine L'Engle puts it best...

“The discipline of creation, be it to paint, compose, write, is an effort towards wholeness.” 

The opposite is also true, as Brene Brown points out...

 "Unused creativity is not benign. It clumps inside us, turning into judgment, grief, anger and shame."  (and I would add depression)

This is why I began this blog 7 years ago.  Documenting my days began as a way to see the sacred in the everyday as I was adjusting to motherhood with three young kids.  I cannot believe the way God continues to use this discipline to change my heart and soul.

So lets encourage one another to pursue our creative outlets without a fear of failure and begin to believe that our lives will be richer because we did.

   For those that don't follow along on Instagram here are my daily pictures from January.  All photos taken with iPhone 4S.

"Art washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."

~Pablo Picasso

Week 2:52 {Storytelling}...

Eight years ago, when our oldest boy was turning 4...I remember my mother-in-law, Cerenna saying to me "four is a magical age."  Now the youngest of our four boys has less than 3 months left in his fourth year and her words ring true more than ever.  She was right there is something magical about this age...
the way he notices every little detail...
the way he compliments me when I do something kind for him...
the way he holds my cheeks and tells me he loves me...
the way he snuggles up to me to read him a book...
the way he grabs my face and turns my head to capture my attention...
the way he is learning to write his name, count everything and ask me constantly what does "....." start with...
the way he still needs help, but is excited about gaining independence...
the way he comes down the attic steps in the morning with "dranky" in hand ready to snuggle...
the way he says "I'm going to stay 4 forever!"...

These are just a few magical things about him being 4...

 We spent the other day on a train adventure; his favorite kind of adventure.  I took my tripod hoping to grab a picture of the two of us to "remember" this season.  I had a little difficulty setting up the scene (we were watching the train run along the tracks above the tunnel) but this photo definitely tells a story, and it's one I will cherish...

...Click here to view previous posts of Project52...

Lenten Reflection..."Worship"...

“Send me your light and your faithful care, 
let them lead me; let them bring me to your holy mountain, to the place where you dwell. 
Then I will go to the altar of God, to God, my joy and my delight. I will praise you with the lyre, O God, my God. 
Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.”
 – Psalm 43:3-5 


There have been many times in my life when I’ve struggled to worship.  Trials pressing hard from all sides slowly silence my songs of thanksgiving.  It happens gradually most of the time.  But eventually the lack of gratitude affects my countenance.  

 The Lord often uses my family to bring me out of this darkness and into worship again.  My husband sings a song at the piano late in the evening.  My oldest leading us in a family “dance party” on the drums, or when the youngest tangles himself amidst my legs while I’m making dinner and says “I want [you] to dance with me.”   They lead me into worship.  
 
I recently came across a description of this process in the song “A Lark Ascending” by the David Crowder Band.   

“And I’m trying to make you sing

From inside where you believe

Like it’s something that you need

Like it means everything

And I’m trying to make you feel

That this is for real

That life is happening

And it means everything

I’m just trying to make you sing”

When I make the choice to join my family in worship, I realize He’s teaching me…what it means to let go of ingratitude, trails and disappointments and put my hope in Him.  I sense the stress of now, begin to fade away and the truths of His word fill my heart and soul.  


Jesus help us to put our hope in you.  When we feel discouraged and downtrodden, send your light and faithful care to guide us to the place where you dwell.  Please break down the walls that prevent us from worshipping the One our soul longs for and fill us with songs of thanksgiving.

Lenten Reflections..."In the Garden"...

Mark 14:32-42...

32 They went to the olive grove called Gethsemane, and Jesus said, “Sit here while I go and pray.” 33 He took Peter, James, and John with him, and he became deeply troubled and distressed. 34 He told them, “My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.”

35 He went on a little farther and fell to the ground. He prayed that, if it were possible, the awful hour awaiting him might pass him by. 36 “Abba, Father,” he cried out, “everything is possible for you. Please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.”

37 Then he returned and found the disciples asleep. He said to Peter, “Simon, are you asleep? Couldn’t you watch with me even one hour? 38 Keep watch and pray, so that you will not give in to temptation. For the spirit is willing, but the body is weak.”

39 Then Jesus left them again and prayed the same prayer as before. 40 When he returned to them again, he found them sleeping, for they couldn’t keep their eyes open. And they didn’t know what to say.

41 When he returned to them the third time, he said, “Go ahead and sleep. Have your rest. But no—the time has come. The Son of Man is betrayed into the hands of sinners. 42 Up, let’s be going. Look, my betrayer is here!”

During difficult times in my life when I lacked the faith to stand on my own, I have relied on the faith of my friends.  God uses friends to challenge us to remember His faithfulness and encourage us to cry out to Him in our anguish and unbelief.  

When I look back over the years I cannot imagine where I would be without the handful of friends that listen, surround and encourage me to press on.  Community is important.  Jesus shows us this so clearly throughout the scriptures with his small group of friends, the disciples.

When I think of Jesus that fateful night in the Garden of Gethsemane…my heart breaks that in Jesus’ greatest need his closest friends couldn’t even stay awake.  Jesus says to them “My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.”  After hearing those words…they fall asleep.   We read that passage and think we would have responded differently than his band of brothers responded that evening.  But so often we don’t.  We sense God nudging us to help, connect with or pray for someone but life gets busy and we don’t follow through.  Jesus consistently shows us in scripture that he doesn’t just observe our pain and sorrow but he enters in.  May we be people who do the same.

Heavenly Father, You reign over all creation as a great and glorious God.  You deserve praise and honor from all Your works.  Today we sing our praises to You and honor Your word with our attentive ears.  Fill us with your Spirit that we might practice from our hearts all the truths we learn from Your word written.  As we worship and serve You each day, we trust in your steadfast love manifested in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  ~Brad Walters

Multitude Monday #4486 - #4507...

“Gratitude begins when my sense of entitlement ends.” 
sevenly.org

Giving thanks with the Gratitude Community for His unending gifts because His death on the cross is enough...and everything is a gift...

4486...a sweet babysitter that brings MLB Spot It for the boys...

4487...for a game that all three of them can play together...

4488...a long, late night conversation with my brother...

4489...for his concern and love even when he's far away...

4490...finishing a piece for writing group that continues the healing process...

4491...for my husband that lovingly edits and encourages...

4492, 4493, 4494...a warm fire, homemade brownies and great conversation...

4495...the excitement over a trip to meet Mom Mom for bowling on a Friday evening...

4496...how even when it takes us much longer to get there, because of traffic and the boys are tired, our patience is thin and tempers flare...they still look at the night as a success...

 4497...that the boys chose to "watch" the Remedy Club Tour Edition DVD by David Crowder*Band for our long trip home...good worship music for mommy to listen to after a long afternoon...

4498..."You Never Let Go" by David Crowder...

4499, 4500, 4501...a good book, a cup of hot tea and a quiet house...

4502...for warmer weather that allows the boys to play outside for hours...

4503...riding the fire engine with Will(even though he doesn't looked thrilled in the picture below, I promise he really was)...

4504...an afternoon with sweet home-school friends that encourage and uplift...

4505...a friend inviting Joshua over for an afternoon...

4506...snuggling up with this one and singing him to sleep (an extremely rare occasion) even though he said "Mom, myself is not tired."...

4507...week 5 of Project52 complete with my favorite kind of noise...

Hope...

We were standing outside when she tells me that she got the results of her scan and it wasn't good.  Not only had the tumors grown but the cancer had spread to her lungs.

"I'm so sorry."

"That's OK" she said as she tries to put a smile on her face..."We're trying some new things...I'm eating vegan and I'll start chem again today.  We may try chemo along with radiation this time too."

"I'm so sorry.  If there is anything I can do please let me know."

"Thank you, I will.  I've got to get into the car I'm freezing!"

This 30 some year old shell of a women (after rounds and rounds of chemo that has stripped her of her hair but has left the very thing it was sent to kill.

I get back into my car and the tears begin to fall.  I can't imagine.  She has a three year old and a 1 year old and she is fighting for her life...

I begin to think that my response to her results may have been the negative one that is so difficult for her to respond to...did I seem in my response like I was giving her a death sentence?  I whisper prayers for God to meet her and her family and for Him to give me wisdom in my response toward her. 

I text Wes the news because he knows this has been heavy on my heart...his response..."Tragic.  I love you.  We only have today."  It's so true but it only makes the tears flow more freely.

I go home to begin school with Joshua but I keep thinking about her and how she must feel so betrayed by her own body...how she must be so frustrated that after rounds and rounds of chemo and significant changes to her diet the cancer only grew and spread.

I bump into her again a couple of hours later at preschool pickup...she's browsing the "Scholastic Book Fair" for Christmas presents for her kids when I notice a book right in front of her that is titled "God is Good...All the Time" and from somewhere within my soul the doubt and unbelief come to the surface again as I think..."not in this situation."  How badly I want to turn the book over to protect her from having to process the title and what it means to her...

But she has always shown me a quiet strength that presses on in the midst of unimaginable circumstances just like our first meeting in the kitchen center of the boys preschool room.  She was sitting in a chair at the kids table while her son served her food when I walked up to introduce myself.  She explained that after she gave birth to her daughter she was diagnosed with Stage 4 Colon Cancer.  It had already spread to her liver.  I remember her saying that day...

"I don't focus on the statistics because it would just bring me down.  I've got too much to live for."

To much to live for...yes as Jennifer Worth says

" Health is the greatest of God's gifts, but we take it for granted; yet it hangs on a thread as fine as a spider's web and the smallest thing can make it snap, leaving even the strongest of us helpless in an instant and in that instant HOPE is our protector and LOVE our panacea."

The hope of living another day surrounded by the ones you love...the very thing I should not take for granted.